Archive for September, 2006

O, da li?

I was just watching the news on state controlled television RTS. As the speaker was talking about the tiny problem we have got, that 90% of citizens of Kosovo don’t particularly care about Serbia, we were presented an image of several mid-aged, tobacco smoking, Albanians in a poor village, who wore cheap, worn out, tracksuits and traditional Albanian headware.

On the other hand, the part of the segment about Serbs showed a nice August day in Knez Mihajlova street, with Belgrade girls in miniskirts schlepping about.

Obviously, all Albanians are sheep-fucking shepherds, while all Serbs are 21 year old sexy girls.

Song for today: Obojeni programO, da li?

Advertisements

September 30, 2006 at 7:19 pm 15 comments

Quips

Allow me to translate some Serbian aphorisms for you. (NB: “aforizam” does not even translate to “aphorism”, and my English is nowhere near good enough to do this)

  • We like the truth so much that everybody got her own. – Dragan Šušić
  • Kosovo has been and will be Serbian. Its final status will be decided too. – Svetislav Travica
  • We will invent new enemies. Our old ones are of no more use to us. – Milan Simić
  • This government unites the nation. Everybody is against it. – Zoran Stanojević
  • The state doesn’t allow things to be done willy-nilly. That’s why we have organized crime. – Aleksandar Čotrić
  • If you can’t figure out your way out of this situation, change the situation. – Duško Radović
  • It’s not good when people expand the frontiers of love for their country. – Milovan Vitezović
  • Books were always lined up against the wall. – Milenko Pajović

September 27, 2006 at 8:08 pm 9 comments

Mit Dir, Lili Marleen…

Several days ago, Belgraders were presented with a splendid military parade, just to prove Marti Ahtisaari’s comment that Serbia is brandishing weapons wrong. In fact, Serbian parliament has proposed our new constitution preamble include a paragraph on how Serbia is not, never has been, nor ever will be brandishing weapons at 4 o’clock in the afternoon in front of the Federal Assembly building (now squatted by the Serbian government), and whatever is in the preamble must be true!

As Serbia is among a few of the remaining European countries still harboring conscription, let me tell you some stories of how people got out of this civic duty. See, there are two ways to get out: either to prove that you are crazy to the medical staff at the recruiting center, or to show how insane you are to the officers in the army, once you’ve already been sent to defend the fatherland.

  • One guy refused to enter the recruiting office without his mother. He kept weeping and screaming for his mom, while the poor woman was so embarrassed she had to cancel her Tuesday night bridge game with the neighbors.
  • Another potential soldier was too talkative at the psychological tests. The problem is, although he appeared perfectly normal otherwise, he kept talking to wood. Throughout the physical and mental exams, he would approach any wooden object, say a chair, touch it, feel it a bit, put a big smile on his face if it really is wood, and start mumbling things to chairs, desks, doors, and was particularly careful when walking on hardwood floor.
  • A guy named Nikola went to the psychologist and gave his best to do the facial expression of Mr Bean. When the doctor asked him if he had any friends, Nikola said, in a humble, quiet voice, after a five seconds pause, “Yes.” The doctor proceeded to ask him what the name of his friend is, and Nikola said: “Nikola.” “Same name as yours, eh?” asked the doctor. “Yes.”
  • And there is of course the “too aggressive even for us” tactics. Several people claim that they went to their assigned post in the army, and picked the first guy they saw in the barracks as their victim. What you do is you get in a fight with the poor feller publicly, and then go every night to his bed and whisper into his ear how you’ll cut his throat.
  • Last but not the least, one soldier was the best new soldier the army has ever seen. During the first two weeks there, he was always the first one out of the bed, the first one to the breakfast, volunteered to clean up the restroom and was generally a rather good little soldier. “He who is not a good soldier ain’t a good husband either.” However, the commanding officer noticed after a couple of weeks that the guy kept sneaking out each and every night at 3 o’clock, burying a wafer (Napolitanke) into the yard.

Some of this I saw myself, some I heard from other people, supposedly all of it is true.

September 20, 2006 at 10:32 pm 5 comments

Hakuna Matata

Children of DPR Korea to Tito

 

45 years ago, Belgrade was the host to the first summit of the Non-Aligned Movement. Although it was just a group of marginalized economies at the time, that movement did make the world a smaller place. Romanticized or not, it made us feel closer to people from the other side of the planet, and certainly did give the impression that many non-European countries had a political friend on the Old Continent, namely Yugoslavia.

The XIV summit is taking place in Cuba right now, and Serbia is, along with Croatia and Bosnia, an observing country. It would be hard for me to assess advantages and disadvantages of “rejoining” the Movement, so I will just remind you of these two Korean girls, who sang an ode to Tito back in 1978.

Their Serbo-Croatian is hard to understand at moments, but it comes down to:

That’s what our fight has given us,
Tito, Tito, Tito, Tito.
Long live Marshall Tito,
Tito – freedom.

Dunno… I won’t apologize for being Yugo-nostalgic at moments.

UPDATE: As you may see, I have blocked further commens. I hope I will never refrain to such measures again, but I feel that the post got a bit of a serious tone, instead of Hakuna Matata, because of the following discussion.

September 12, 2006 at 7:39 pm 5 comments

aSSing around

The new country needs a new Internet domain to replace the old .yu. As all the obvious two letter codes have already been taken (e.g. .sr is Suriname, .sb is Solomon Islands, etc.) and the whoeverisincharge refused to give us .rs (because monarchists are lurking around), our Ministry of Foreign Affairs decided to propose we use a .ss domain (straight face). Unlike us, simple minded untermensch who still relive the legacy of the World War II, the Ministry thinks that .ss will stand for “Serbs, Serbia” (face still straight).

So, as a responsible netizen, I will contribute to the debate by making a list of websites we just might see under the new domain:

Make love, not war, I say, and let us have our .sx domain instead! It’s a tad bit less absurd.

UPDATE: It seems the domain name will be .rs after all. I feel good inside now 🙂

September 8, 2006 at 5:55 pm 3 comments

Urban Development

Serbia is, once again, divided into two camps. Two big music festivals that Serbia hosts seem to be attracting polary opposed crowds. The Exit Festival is held in Novi Sad and features latest & greatest of popular rock and electronic music. A good chunk of people who attend this festival think of themselves as urban, sophisticated, fashionable and whatnot. Festival of brass bands (think drunk people without teeth, not your high-school marching band) in Guča hosts Serbian best traditional (folklore) trumpet players and is considered, by the Exit crowd, to be rural. Did I mention that calling somebody a villager (seljak) is an insult in Serbia?

Of course, this urban and rural classification is absolutely arbitrary, but there has nevertheless been a lot of animosity between the two. Exit is accused of attracting people who lack in sobriety, cash strapped tourists and generally unruly characters. On the other hand, Guča is accused of attracting people who lack in sobriety, cash strapped tourists and generally unruly characters.

The conflict culminated when the Serbian Prime Minister, Vojislav Koštunica, visited Guča this year, but not Exit. Everybody seems to mind it because Guča is “rural” (people getting drunk silly, swimming in mud and ornamenting musicians with Euros), and our PM is promoting it over an “urban” thing. Like I mentioned before, that’s bullshit that I won’t even attempt to argue against (a much better argument would be that the Exit Festival is, unlike Guča, politically active, and promotes groovy stuff like an end to human trafficking).

Still, I was amazed at the speech Koštunica, our master of populist muppetry and cliché, gave on Guča. He said that Guča is the heart of Serbia, which I would guess, makes Šabac its nostrils, while Subotica is an elbow. He also said that people who don’t understand Guča are not capable of understanding Serbia either, which does nicely explain the slight feeling of confusion I often have when I walk out of home.

Another interesting thing, Prime Minister of Republika Srpska, Dodik, attended Guča with Koštunica. Koštunica returned the visit for a soccer match in Republika Srpska. What’s that supposed to mean?

September 5, 2006 at 11:02 am 6 comments


Recent Posts

Links:

Contact me:

I love to get mail! Comments, rants, proposals to form a political party and threats can be sent to serbianmess@gmail.com. free web page counters