Mit Dir, Lili Marleen…

September 20, 2006 at 10:32 pm 5 comments

Several days ago, Belgraders were presented with a splendid military parade, just to prove Marti Ahtisaari’s comment that Serbia is brandishing weapons wrong. In fact, Serbian parliament has proposed our new constitution preamble include a paragraph on how Serbia is not, never has been, nor ever will be brandishing weapons at 4 o’clock in the afternoon in front of the Federal Assembly building (now squatted by the Serbian government), and whatever is in the preamble must be true!

As Serbia is among a few of the remaining European countries still harboring conscription, let me tell you some stories of how people got out of this civic duty. See, there are two ways to get out: either to prove that you are crazy to the medical staff at the recruiting center, or to show how insane you are to the officers in the army, once you’ve already been sent to defend the fatherland.

  • One guy refused to enter the recruiting office without his mother. He kept weeping and screaming for his mom, while the poor woman was so embarrassed she had to cancel her Tuesday night bridge game with the neighbors.
  • Another potential soldier was too talkative at the psychological tests. The problem is, although he appeared perfectly normal otherwise, he kept talking to wood. Throughout the physical and mental exams, he would approach any wooden object, say a chair, touch it, feel it a bit, put a big smile on his face if it really is wood, and start mumbling things to chairs, desks, doors, and was particularly careful when walking on hardwood floor.
  • A guy named Nikola went to the psychologist and gave his best to do the facial expression of Mr Bean. When the doctor asked him if he had any friends, Nikola said, in a humble, quiet voice, after a five seconds pause, “Yes.” The doctor proceeded to ask him what the name of his friend is, and Nikola said: “Nikola.” “Same name as yours, eh?” asked the doctor. “Yes.”
  • And there is of course the “too aggressive even for us” tactics. Several people claim that they went to their assigned post in the army, and picked the first guy they saw in the barracks as their victim. What you do is you get in a fight with the poor feller publicly, and then go every night to his bed and whisper into his ear how you’ll cut his throat.
  • Last but not the least, one soldier was the best new soldier the army has ever seen. During the first two weeks there, he was always the first one out of the bed, the first one to the breakfast, volunteered to clean up the restroom and was generally a rather good little soldier. “He who is not a good soldier ain’t a good husband either.” However, the commanding officer noticed after a couple of weeks that the guy kept sneaking out each and every night at 3 o’clock, burying a wafer (Napolitanke) into the yard.

Some of this I saw myself, some I heard from other people, supposedly all of it is true.

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Entry filed under: Serbia, War.

Hakuna Matata Quips

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Anonymous  |  September 21, 2006 at 11:58 pm

    The news of wimpy, powerless Serb men is music to Agim Ceku’s ears. One day they will be going for Southern Serbia again, you betcha!

    Serbs are being thought more and more cowardly and emasculated.

    I see you too are happiest when Serbian men are reduced to bitches which don’t menstruate.

    _______________________________

    Kosovo’s premier says Serbs won’t invade

    By WILLIAM J. KOLE, Associated Press Writer
    1 hour, 58 minutes ago

    PRISTINA, Serbia – Kosovo’s prime minister on Wednesday dismissed Serbia’s fierce opposition to the province’s drive for independence, insisting that decades of bloodshed in the Balkans are over and Serbs will never dare to invade Kosovo again because they have “no courage.”

    In an interview with The Associated Press, Agim Ceku condemned a recent spate of bombings — including an attack late Tuesday that injured four Serbs — and he blamed Serbian nationalists for using “primitive propaganda” to incite ethnic tensions as the United Nations nears a decision on possible statehood for Kosovo.

    Serbs know enough “not to invade Kosovo again,” Ceku said, adding: “They have no courage.”

    “War is past. I’m sure there’s no willingness to choose this way of realizing their wishes,” Ceku said. “That is all mythology. There’s a huge lack of reality in Serbia.”

    Ethnic Albanians, who make up 90 percent of Kosovo’s population of 2 million, want independence. Serbs are willing to grant the province broad autonomy but consider it the heart of their ancient homeland and want it to remain a part of Serbia.

    The clash over its future direction has led to bloodshed before: From 1998-99, Serb forces loyal to the late Yugoslav leader Slobodan Milosevic waged a brutal crackdown on ethnic Albanian separatists — a war that killed 10,000 people, mostly ethnic Albanians, and drove thousands more from their homes.

    Ceku spoke in the wake of tough remarks by his Serbian counterpart, Vojislav Kostunica, contending that Kosovo “has always been and forever will remain within Serbia,” and a call by Serbian nationalist leader Tomislav Nikolic for that country’s army to “stand ready” to go to war if the province gains its independence through U.N. talks.

    On Friday, the chief U.N. envoy for Kosovo — former Finnish president Maarti Ahtisaari — is expected to brief key members of the Security Council on the province’s future path, which many observers believe will lead to statehood by year’s end.

    Although few expect a renewal of hostilities, particularly since 16,000 NATO-led peacekeepers still patrol Kosovo, there have been fears of a resurgence of violence, and tensions have soared amid the latest spate of bombings. Two of the explosions targeted the cars of top officials, although they were not hurt.

    But Ceku conceded the attacks undermine Kosovo’s drive to establish itself as “a multiethnic, nonviolent country,” and he reassured the province’s estimated 100,000 minority Serbs that the authorities would protect them.

    Since the war ended seven years ago, about 200,000 Serbs have left Kosovo, fearing reprisal attacks.

    “I have encouraged Kosovo’s Serbs not to leave, not to be discouraged,” Ceku told the AP. “Independence is the time to stay, not leave. Independence is the time to come back.”

    Reply
  • 2. serbianmess  |  September 24, 2006 at 1:01 pm

    “I see you too are happiest when Serbian men are reduced to bitches which don’t menstruate.”

    Bitches which don’t menstruate, ain’t that a dream of every good soldier?

    Reply
  • 3. Warchild  |  October 1, 2006 at 8:48 pm

    Shame on you, Serbianmess. You let the floodgates open. Watch out for invading Albanians any day now.

    P.S. Keep up the good posts. As a Balkanite I can relate to them.

    Reply
  • […] of the Serbian Mess writes about Serbian military and domain issues. Posted by Veronica Khokhlova  Print Version Share […]

    Reply
  • 5. free anime incest  |  June 29, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    any news coming ?

    Reply

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